After building a bit of momentum and being able to have a few lucid dreams, especially with the use of galantamine, I find myself avoiding doing my reality checks and/or taking galantamine/setting intentions with WBTB techniques. I think I fear the mind twisting distortion of my thoughts and emotions. I have not had any nightmares really, I just know I can get myself to a deep place almost every night if I’m willing to make a go of it, but something is stopping me. I think continuing my metta practice should help.
Perhaps it is the fear of “ego death”? It does feel similar to the short retreat I did with a self-inquiry practice which I ended up cutting short due to fear and paranoia arising. I guess I’m just trying not to brick myself with these practices, making sure I ground myself in metta/equanimity and more “normal” things. The “mystic swims where the the psychotic drowns”. Well I’m still doggy paddling! Anybody else dealing/dealt with this kind of stuff? #night-school:lucid-dreaming
2 Likes
is paranoia a common reaction? I’ve had heavy delusive states come up on retreat which has included paranoia. I think your reaction is right about grounding yourself because that is what I need to do when the same issue comes up for me. Although in addition to what you are stating, do you have anything that is grounding in terms of paying attention to the body or how you feel? Paranoia, for example, may be coming since it is a tactic by the mind to avoid what you are feeling. You have to reach and feel into the body to see what the mind doesn’t want to see.
My antidotes for lack of sensory clarity that force the mind to look at what you are feeling:
body scanning but not goenka style body scanning. slow body scanning of the full body which takes about 20-30 mins done twice. This is the least time efficient but the most thorough at least for me.
or, qigong.
or, in the past, I did a lot of yoga.
and I also will do the qigong ‘tapping’ sometimes which eases the body.
Exercise in general may help but you’ll really need to find what works for you.
2 Likes
Thanks, yes I use noting for sensory clarity and deconstructing experience. I just need to make sure I actually do that when paranoia comes up, and have that be my go-to reaction
1 Like
My experience is that when the mind is collapsed around certain states, I have to wait until the state decays for me notice that I was in that state in the first place. When in the state, it is so re-ified that is believed to be reality.
In an extreme case, I was on retreat and woke up in both a paranoid and delusive state. I thought someone was outside and was going to come get me in trouble. It felt like there were momentary unpleasant blurry gaps in time. There was self-judgement arising over a towel that I hadn’t hung on a hook. I woke up this way and it was hard to separate this state from reality. I finally broke free after recognizing something was really and truly wrong, and when I showered I focused on the sensate experience of the water, the temperature, and the pressure of my feet. And after about 10 mins I had broken out of it. This was an extreme case and it preceded a major purification which happened later that day.
There are other times like yesterday where I was reviewing my mental state throughout the day and it was only by the end of the day did I realize that I had been in some light delusive (for me that generally means socially distant) state throughout the day. But it was only through this review process could I really see that holy shit my mind had been in the deep frier all day and I had truly believed that to be the realness of things.
Another more minor example is that I was in a deep haze during a meditation and by body scanning I was able to break apart the haze and become extremely alert. It really felt like I had caught the cat by the tail because I had the sensory clarity. Catching it red handed, in my experience, has been the most helpful and IMO makes similar states like it in the future to be more easily seen as the fabricated and re-ified experience they truly are.
So…there are times I have caught states as they arise but more often it is the case I am not able to catch it until much later (many many hours later).
1 Like