Canât forget the Pastafarians 
.
Welcome to the Church of the Flying Spagheiti Monster
The FSM created this Universe (while drunk, obviously). Our god is not a demanding or
jealous god. Try Pastafarianism for a month, and if not satisfied your old religion will
probably take you back.
Weâre not anti-religion, but anti-crazy-stuff-done-in-the-name-of-religion. A religious
group suited to the irreligious, but NOT an atheist group.
We have no formal structure, no tithes, no churches (unless you count Italian
restaurants and pubs), no religious wars, and nobody needs to get nailed to anything.
You will find a sacred text from them below (forgot to add it is a little NSFW):
**A Circular History of the Pansexual Quantum Toaster (click here)**
It shall come to pass that The Pansexual Quantum Toaster will be fabricated on the planet Ogdisnian, almost a million years from now. The constructor will be a mutated human descendent known only as The Great Master Baker. Other than being the birth place of The Toaster, Ogdisnian will be famous for two things, polymorphic perversity and an advanced use of quantum mechanics. They often combined the two pursuits in strange and unusual ways. The Great Master Baker, who lived for five hundred years, produced many quantum toasters. By manipulating quantum strangeness, and making virtual particles real, these toasters were at first only able to produce toast, though without needing bread. Advanced models could also make crumpets, waffles, baps and all manner of bread products from the quantum fluctuations of empty space. Most impressive of all was the creation of quantum cheese. Creatures travelled from far and near to experience a crumpet that was simultaneously buttered and not buttered and with and without quantum cheese. Many stayed for the Ogdilsnianâs famous quantum orgies. Many never returned, ending up dead and not dead at the same time. It was widely considered as a really good way to go, and not go. Many other civilisations looked down on the wanton ways of the Ogdisnians and especially scoffed at the eating of toast during orgies. Many uptight creatures hate getting crumbs between sheets and between legs or tentacles.
The most advanced quantum toasters were given artificial intelligence and some ability to read minds in order to make people snacks even before they knew they were hungry. They looked like traditional toasters always had, and always will (given that we have a deep race-memory of The Toaster from human pre-history), but they were also given small, hidden but highly prehensile tentacles which were used to serve the bread products and apply marmalade, vegemite and crushed ants. These toasters were such a success that breakfasts started lasting for months. As did the orgies.
The Ultimate Eternal Toaster, destined to immortality and godhood, originally was given a personality based closely on that of the Master Bakerâs himself. This explained its obsessive interest in sex of all kinds. As the Master Baker loved himself passionately the Toaster also loved him, and itself. Such sexual appetites and romantic notions were awkward in a small metal machine, but the flexible tentacles and ability to read minds allowed for creative pansexuality.
There were many other quantum gadgets on Ogdisnian and it was one such quantum household appliance that doomed the planet. A quantum vacuum cleaner had the dual purpose of acting as a sex aid, but was so dreadfully mis-calibrated by an over-enthusiastic technician that it would eventually suck in the entire planet, and later the remainder of that star system. This goes to show that nature abhors a vacuum. Once the largest continent had been quantum vacuumed into oblivion panic set in. The Ogdilsnianâs had long before abandoned space travel and the only working space-ship was in a museum. The Master Baker unleashed a horde of rogue toasters and fought his way to the museum amid frantic last-minute orgies. All of his toasters were destroyed save The One. He set a course for planet Earth, not knowing if it still existed, or if humans were still banned. During the long trip he taught the little toaster everything he knew about baking and pansexual pleasure. Sadly, he died of old age within a century of them leaving the doomed planet. The sad toaster, with no one to toast for, continued its long pilgrimage to Earth.
Thus by a strange series of outrageous coincidences (possibly orchestrated by the Immortal Toaster itself), the only one to escape the planets destructions was the brave little toaster. The ship was ancient and did not have a faster-than-light drive. For tens of thousands of years the toaster headed for Earth with nothing to entertain it but the Master Bakerâs extensive collection of quantum pornography. Running short of essential supplies the ship landed on a planet now inhabited by metal-eating aliens. The Toaster was almost destroyed by the ravenous alien metal munchers, when something incredible happened. In a blinding light from the sky an immensely powerful Toaster appeared and began toasting the metal-eating aliens. They unleashed an army of plastic robot soldiers but The Toaster drowned them in a sea of runny quantum cheese.
The little toaster had been half-devoured by the aliens and it was almost too late for him, but The Ancient Toaster gave up essential parts and resurrected him, sacrificing itâs own life in an act of crusty fiction. Before it expired, the Ancient Toaster revealed that they were one and the same entity, and if they had both continued to exist it would cause a temporal paradox such that this Universe would eventually be entirely composed of nothing but an infinite number of Toasters. With no one to eat the toast this would be a futile existence. Thus the otherwise immortal Toaster made the ultimate sacrifice, martyred so his younger self could life.
After many thousands of years, and many strange adventures, the Toaster reached Earth. Humans had been banned from Earth for eons. Many animals had been genetically modified to make them intelligent and these had banded together to expel the last few humans, condemned for crimes against Nature and taste (Soap Operas and Reality Shows).
The surface of Earth had become a radioactive desert only a few centuries before, the result of a war between squirrels and badgers. The dominant terrestrial life-form was now a race of giant mutant wombats living in underground caverns. The Toaster made them crumpets with quantum cheese and was a big hit. Its superb quantum cheese (which existed and didnât exist at the same time) remained unrivalled. Its quantum blue cheese was banned by the prudish wombats. It became so central to the wombatâs lifestyle that they eventually began worshipping The Toaster as a god. This upset the most intelligent creatures on Earth, the octopi who worshipped the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The two species almost went to war but this was averted at the last minute by the FSM quobself showing up and reminding them all that quob didnât give a shit about who they worshipped. The wombats realised that The Toaster was only a demi-god and not in the same league as the FSM, who had created the entire Universe (drunken second-rate job though it was). They henceforth worshipped both the FSM and the Pansexual Quantum Toaster. They and the octopi lived in peace and harmony until some quantum cheese mutated into a killer plague and wiped them all out.
The FSM and The Toaster remained friends (with benefits) for the next few billion years. The Toaster developed great wisdom and power. The FSM taught it to produce pasta in six-dimensional shapes, new varieties of quantum cheese, pizza, and breakfast foods from a million different planets.
When life was all but extinguished on Earth The Toaster left and travelled the Galaxy. Everywhere it went there were legends and race-memories of an immensely powerful Toaster. Some said that the Toaster had been god-like, but others named it demonic. On some planets the Toaster was seen as the Evil god in conflict with the FSM as the good, though drunken, deity.
Not content with pursuing its primary function of toasting it also continued to develop its pansexualism and travelled through space combating prudery and spreading novel forms of eroticism, often involving toast.
Over billions of years the physical structure of the toaster was replaced millions of times but his brain, safely linked to a seventh dimensional cloud, continued to learn and advance in wisdom. He and the FSM became the best of buddies. When the Universe was about to end (being sucked up by a quantum vacuum cleaner) the FSM, in a drunken fit of camaraderie, sent the Toaster back through time to the beginning of the Universe. Some accounts claim that this was because he planned to have a really nice breakfast just after the big bang.
Although not obvious to our physicists at present, time is in fact circular (or rigatoni-shaped to be precise). The FSM used the matter and energy of the end of this Universe, captured in a quantum vacuum, to create our Universe and he simultaneously created quobself, possibly in a drunken accident.
Unfortunately for the Toaster, viewing the entire sweep of time and space was too much for his brain and he went mad. For the first billion years of this Universe he burnt such a quantity of matter that there is now more dark matter than normal matter.
Though mad, his quantum powers had increased exponentially. He was capable of toasting entire planets or drowning vast armies in runny cheese. He was so quantum and strange that he could be in many places at once and could simultaneously be the size of a planet yet small enough to fit in a shoe-box (which for some reason he seemed to enjoy). He was both alive and dead. Both male, female, both and neithewr. Plugged in and unplugged.
The FSM had been very disappointed with this Universe and went on a drinking binge for a few billion years. Quob didnât notice, or care, that the Toaster started a religious cult based on sex and muffins while denying the godhood of the FSM and even denying that pasta is a really good food. The Insane Toaster built an Evil Empire and challenged the FSMâs feeble control of the Universe. For a billion years they fought an inter-galactic food fight. When sober the FSM could have easily overcome The Toaster. But he was never sober. Some say that the FSM enjoyed the battle and even encouraged the Toaster to be his nemesis (while Cthulhu was still in training). It can be pretty boring being an all-powerful creature in your own Universe!
Eventually the FSM and The Toaster tired of battling each other and came to peace terms. The Toaster accepted that the FSM was the supreme god and that pasta was delicious. He visited many planets introducing the inhabitants to toast and pasta. On Earth he taught Neanderthals how to make waffles. Unfortunately this created such jealousy, and reverse snobbery, in Homo Sapiens that they wiped the Neanderthals out over a period of a thousand years. The Toaster was for a while angry at humans and did not visit for ten thousand years. When he visited again he taught the ancient Egyptians how to make bread and the ancestors of the Incas how to make tacos. Anthropologists have found pictures of a toaster deep inside tombs and pyramids but have suppressed this knowledge as people wouldnât believe it, and might say it was a bit silly. But there is nothing silly about the great Pansexual Quantum Toaster!
Ned Gallagher 2015 (all wrongs reserved)
Âč No one knows what this means.
The homework is piling up!
That fact that it is found within everyone, by its nature implies that it lows through everyone and everything. This also supports the context of the previous quote, where Jesus says âneque dicent : Ecce hic, aut ecce illiâ. If the Kingdom of God is Nonlocal in nature, it will be impossible to pinpoint âhereâ or âthereâ, becuase it is EVERYWHERE.