I haven’t been posting for a while, even though I’m checking what’s going here from time to time.
The reason for it is that I’ve hurt myself badly while exercising (weight lifting, most likely) about 4 months ago now, and things haven’t been easy.
For those who want to know the full story (until this undesired event), feel free to read my first post.
Basically, I’ve always been really interested in Dream Yoga since a kid/teen, but became really sick when I was 17 after an hypnosis session at school (IBS/fibromyalgia/I.C. and mental breakdown included), so I couldn’t actually go on with my studies. I started looking for ways to heal myself as doctors turned out to be pointless, read millions of books, tried all kinds of diets, fasting, experiences, therapies etc. Finally learned about psychedelics, tried them on my own, went to Peru for Ayahuasca and more, drank 46 times, came back “home”, healed from a traumatic Ayahuasca ceremony through a lucid dream the night before the beginning of a LD retreat with Charlie Morley and since then, been trying to heal myself through correcting my diet (currently mostly Carnivore, though not exactly strict) and working on my mind through different means, while giving a few English lessons a week for a living. I tried self-studying Web Development, but have been too ill to do it. As of now, I’m living with my parents in a tiny village of La Creuse, France.
That should set the scene.
Now here’s what happened. On the first of July, I was kind of recovering from a heartbreak/sentimental disappointment (disease hasn’t made things easy on that level). And as usual I worked out in the evening, maybe a little intensely but in a motivated, joyful way. Sports and Music have been keeping me alive through tough times.
I had increased a bit the weight (from 4 to 5kg), and it may seem like nothing, but it made a difference. While exercising, I must somehow have strained the back of my neck/cervicals/whatever is there, because one hour later, I was losing my mind. The pain became intense in my neck, basis of head and back, my whole body started to shake uncontrollably, I felt un-grounded, disconnected and terrified. I ended up going to the ER seven times in one month. Painkillers of all kind, doctors being pointless, as often. Days and Nights terrifying, like I was on a bad psychedelic trip, except it was never ending. I was losing my mind at night, the hypnagogic state turned into horrendous images, scenes, thoughts, emotions. After a month of this, a doctor in a smaller hospital finally figured my nerves must had been affected. I was given morphine and two painkillers for the nerves (Lyrica and Laroxyl) and felt a slight improvement, although almost constantly “tripping” out of touch with reality.
I’ve been thinking about putting an end to this all a lot, but as I am deeply convinced of the reality of Karma, and the impact on my next possible existence, I can’t. Plus, I can’t hurt my mom. During one ceremony (Ayahuasca) I once experienced the sadness and suffering of my mum if I were to put an end to my life. I felt her love, the love of a mother of a child. I cried all the tears of my being.
It’s been almost 4 months, and I’m still in a really difficult situation. I’m living in a region of France where most doctors and therapists are living about One hour from here. And we don’t exactly have a lot of money, and given the situation, I can’t move on my own in an apartment, maybe it be physically speaking or financially speaking. Also, because of everything that’s happened before, I haven’t got my driving license – although I managed to get my theory test last month – which makes things even more complicated. I’m quite isolated, so I’m trying to find ways to connect to more people. Every “student” I have, is a little spark of joy for me (my lessons are given through Skype). And I know I’m bringing them Something. And every time I meet or happen to know of somebody with some health issues, I help them the best I can. Many French people don’t have access to what’s going on outside this small country because of language barriers. Hence, I’m oftentimes acting as a “Bridge” or translator, allowing people to access information. I learned an awful lot about diet, and unfortunately (?) and without the least sense of pretention, I’ve come to learn more about food, diet and health, than most doctors know about. [EDIT: I mean, definitely doctors I’ve seen. None of them have thought about diet. And medical studies include very little teaching about it. Except for the S.A.D. - Standard American Diet - which is why we’ve got so many issues nowadays. French doctors ain’t any better. Also I really do not mean I know it all about diet. That’s a complex topic. Edit over] Except people like Ken Berry, Eric Berg or Jason Fung, obviously. And I don’t mean I know it all, but I keep on learning all the time, and do not stop myself to what I think is true, or what I’ve been told.
Anyway. The pain isn’t stopping. It’s day and night, and intense most of the time. And on some days, I lose the will to everything. Dreams and Dream Yoga (now we’re getting a little more to the point! -sorry about the rant) have been difficult to work with since then. I’ve had dreams and dreams or people losing their head, people cutting heads, of getting my head twisted and my spine twisted. I’ve had nightmares in which the pain is so intense (staying in the same position for 2h can be dramatic) that my dreams turn into ayahuasca visions of horror. Where I’m threatened to go to hell if I commit suicide. And also those nights where the pain is so bad I can’t sleep anymore, but I’m just like… physically tortured. The pain doesn’t care the tears. Crying for one hour doesn’t make your torturer stop. And even when I do manage to fall asleep and sleep “okay-ish” as soon as I open my eyes, the strikes start over again. Like I’m being punched, or stabbed again and again, without being able to do something about it.
It’s been hard to work with dreams, which was one of my main way to work on my mind (I don’t want to do psychedelics on my own again). I still manage to write/type down some of them in the morning but I really have to force myself, for the pain is so confusing upon waking up. Sometimes I don’t even understand where I am or what’s happening to me, lost between the previous experience and this one. There are also a few rare nights where I get to dream about something nice, or beautiful, or peaceful… but it easily turns into something different.
I’m a bit lost. Really. I’m typing this today, because after the night I had, I thought I had nothing to lose saying what was going on here, on this community, and that maybe dream-wise people would have an idea of what I could do. I’m opened to any suggestion.
Meditating is really difficult. The pain is so intense, for the first 2 months and a half, I couldn’t stay still in silence, eyes closed or even open, because the symptoms would become even more clear.
Lately, I’ve kind of gave up Shamatha/Zazen and all kind of “traditional” practice. I’ve turned more to hypnosis, self-hypnosis/Prayer (a controversial word, ikr, but let me explain).
Lately two books/authors have been kind of keeping me alive. Their names are Joseph Murphy (The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind) and Neville Goddard (Feeling is the Secret etc…). I believe their writings and ideas were, and are still, brilliant. Regardless of what people may say. It’s not about Enlightenment, but – however – it is connected to the workings of the mind and even to How Dreams Work. For those who are curious to learn more about it, feel free to look it up.
When it comes to sleep, in those practices, the point is more about to “perfume” (to quote a term used by Andrew I really like) sleep through thoughts and feelings. It’s not about Becoming Lucid, but about Influencing the dream and long term, the unconscious. But it’s still hard for me to do. Falling asleep is painful and scary. So I do my best, listening to peaceful classical music before sleeping (that’s a really different routine from what I used to do before for dream yoga) and of course, during the day, trying to get into a relaxed state of mind to influence (through thoughts and feelings… music helps. The Lord of The Rings soundtrack is one of these.) the Subconscious/Deeper Mind.
In those writings, it doesn’t go as deep as in Andrew’s books, and Buddhist understandings (the psyche, the substrate, clear light mind) but there are still really interesting things to be found. And I also better understand why I was unable to “make things happen” in lucid dreams. Words are carriers of meaning or ‘energy’ (I sometimes cringe using this word, sounds so new-agey!).
But words in themselves have no inherent power. That’s the meaning, the feeling that has the power to impact the mind.
I’m currently trying different things to help with the pain. Everything I can. But again, I’m not well situated geographically-wise. But through weird coincidences (aka, synchronicities!?) I’m finding people that lead me to the next step…
Next week I’m going to see another osteopath (the best friend of the father of one of my student, who turned out to be the best guitar teacher I’ve ever had! Teaching English is definitely a good thing) and also this apparently truly weird lady (psychic?) that I’ve heard of through someone in my village, who – she said – was (really) old, crazy, strange, quite fat, talked loudly, smoke and had plenty of cats (so – apparently everything “un-”spiritual), and yet upon entering her room without asking you anything, would tell you mind-bending stuff about you, your past, present, future. She doesn’t ask for much money, she’s retired. And she just had a basic, almost bleak, visit card with her name and number on it. Well, we’ll see if anything comes up.
I’ve come to this point where the physical suffering (hence mental) becomes so unbearable throughout the day that sometimes I just want to exit my body. I want to escape the suffering. And I know what spiritual people will say about suffering. But sometimes, I just… I want to leave my body. I want to feel GOOD again. I want to be free. So I don’t care if it’s a drug (oh, I wish cannabis was legal here.) or a doctor, or a prayer, or a vision from a crazy-old-fat-smoking-multiple-cats-owning
I have goals in mind. Personal desires as well as compassionate desires. I’m dreaming of helping people. The suffering I’m experiencing and that I’ve experienced for now, what, 8 years, have made it an emergency for me to help others. That’s always what I’ve wanted to do when I was young, even when I wanted to be a dentist, or in the army (but I changed my mind, obvi) or a biomechanical engineer (thanks Word autocorrect system for that word. And I’m teaching English, ha!).
I want to live, and I want to live Fully. I want to break through this. It’s been the toughest period of my life so far, even though I’ve already been through a lot with chronic disease and the whole Ayahuasca adventure.
I’m at this point where, if I could pay any Dream Yoga Master like Andrew or Anyone of this level, for him or her to obtain a Dream of Clarity for me, I would do it. I really would, if that’s a thing, or if we can make it a thing. I guess it’d be akin to asking a Shaman to do an Ayahuasca ceremony to get answers or help for someone… Though I’d rather trust a Dream Yoga master. But I’ve never seen anyone doing this. Currently, it’s really hard to work on dreams by myself and I do need external help. I pray “help” and feel what it’d feel like to be finally rescued (because that’s how it is right now, the whole situation) so that I can finally be free to live my life fully and give ‘my own gift’ to the world.
Sorry for writing so much and sorry if my writing is unclear or confused, but I needed to share this on a different place than on my Journal. I wrote this on a whim, in one sitting, and don’t want to edit indefinitely my words to make this post perfect, so I’ll leave it as it is now. I just really needed it to be “out there” so that I could simply be seen and acknowledged. That’s already more than enough to me.
Thanks for reading.