In one of our sessions the other day, someone mentioned a pilot pen! It has a red light on the tip that lights up when you write. They used it for their dream journals and it didn’t wake them up like a white light would’ve.
4 Likes
This sounds awesome @AlyssaModerator ! I looked it up, and found a few ones:
https://www.pilotlights.net/pilots-pen-aviator-worlds-best-led-ink-pen
This one seems pretty good:
I’ve been searching on Amazon (fr) and I’ve only been able to find white light ones! Gonna try to see what I can find elsewhere. For the past few years I’ve been writing my dreams with those “Pilot Frixion” pens. They’re pretty smooth to write with (if that makes sense?)
Ha, and I need a new dream journal. I like those kind of journals:
Concerning health, it’s been tough lately. I saw the osteopath again on Wednesday. I’ve gained a little more mobility, pretty much back to normal. Some muscles of my neck have relaxed. But I’m still dealing with intense pain. He told me my cranial nerves were blocked due to the first vertebrae and basis of the skull. He worked on it and I did feel a change when he tested my neck. But for the past two days it’s really been hard. I had a few moments of hopelessness. I’m so grateful to have both my parents on my side now. I tried to sleep without taking medications, because I felt I could handle it. But I had nightmares so scary, I didn’t want to sleep anymore and was just looking forward to waking up (relatively speaking…and sometimes in absolute terms too. Like, putting an end to all this Goddamn suffering. Not just this, but all of it, for all beings, forever. I don’t want anybody to go through what I’m going through. Ever again. Sometimes in that heroic/bodhisattva mood in my head… Sounds dumb but that helps me.)
I’m also having issues with my heart/breathing, especially at night. It’s been happening since the accident and perhaps worsened with medication. Basically, I have dreams where I feel my heart isn’t pumping anymore, or is “blocked” (like a spasm) and I can’t breathe anymore. It takes me seconds to get out of the nightmare and I feel pretty bad, sometimes completely confused, unable to call for help. It happened last night. I woke up at 6 (fell asleep round 11, with positive intent/feelings) from such a nightmare and was just trying to focus on breathing. And since I’ve woken up, the pain’s been mostly unbearable. It comes in waves. To the point where sometimes, I just lose sense of everything. Like, I’m in so much pain, nothing doesn’t even make sense anymore.
The thing is I HAVE reasons to stay alive. I have so many things to look forward to. So many things I want to be, to do… and have too. I feel I have so much potential within, potential to maybe help plenty of people, and do amazing things. And I want to be able to express it… As of now, I feel like a Genie enclosed in his lamp… that may sound pretentious, but what I mean is that, I feel like I’m currently at 10% at most of who I really am.
As a side note, my sister is an osteopath. Last weekend, my sister (who’s moving in near us) came for breakfast. I was quite in a lot of pain. My mum said “now that you’re sister is going to be here, don’t you worry. She’ll take care of you.” To which my sister replied, with indignation “That’s so much pressure on me, why is it always like this ? Why do you always do that to me ?”
Not even a nice word, not even a “I can’t promise you anything, but I’ll try my best to help my little brother”. Nope. My sister’s been in complete denial of my health issues for 8 years, and I know that it is partially because she feels responsible for it. Also, she’s an osteopath but hates seeing people complaining or being sick or suffer… So in the end, I don’t even feel like that’s a big deal. I’ll find someone who cares.
I’m going to the north of France (Amiens) at the beginning of December with my dad for a few days (my dad is an animal artist, so he does like exhibition and stuff). I’m taking this opportunity to see the osteopath who helped me a lot a few years ago. He almost exclusively works though Cranio-Sacral Therapy. He’s performed “Miracles” for some people, but he’s also telling people when he feels he can’t do anything. I trust him, so we’ll see what happens.
Sorry for writing so much, but honestly just having a trace of what’s going here, and being “seen and heard” is just keeping me alive sometimes, and helping me a lot.
On some nights, I remembered you replies, advice and caring. And this is making a difference in my life.
So, Thank you everyone. Sincerely.
5 Likes
For example? Sometimes when I recount those bad dreams they lose some of their power over me and the next time I have them, I can deal with them better. This has happened quite a bit lately.
3 Likes
I’m trying to write down my dreams again in the morning lately. I received my notebook, I love it. I definitely feel that a nice journal invites and encourages you to invest your energy and attention into this work…
Well, for example, I had a nightmare a month ago (didn’t take my medication, the pain was intense due to my neck position) in which I was stuck into a hellish place, back to one of these dark Ayahuasca ceremonies. I had no body. I was just floating in a terrifying environment. But I felt tremendous pain. Everything was red, on fire, and I saw these kinds of carnivorous plants dancing, with opened “star-mouths” and teeth. And it was terrifying. It sounds dumb, but the pain turns into scary sensations and it was truly overwhelming.
In a more recent dream (two weeks ago), I was in a sort of castle. I had to kill a sort of Giant with the help of a character. I was stabbing the giant in the eye, fighting it. But… it’s not even the scene in itself. It’s the feeling. During the day, the nerve pain makes me feel “weird” in a not-so-good way. At night, since there’s no external stimuli, it expresses itself directly into those dreams. Most of my dreams have this “dark/spooky” atmosphere to them since the injury. Ain’t really fun!
Sometimes, the fear awakens awareness. I don’t necessarily become lucid, but I think “light” and “luminosity” in defense. It works and help. I do the same as I fall asleep. I try. Falling asleep is still kind of unpleasant and scary. Not to the same extent as in July/August… but still.
But you’re right. Whenever I have a scary dream, now instead of trying to push it away, I write it down. Even in the middle of the night. It feels as if I am extracting poison from my mind! Getting it out of my mind, into words, down on paper, it cuts the negative emotion at the root. It allows me to realize/feel “it was just a dream” thus unreal, and powerless… So that’s a good habit. Thanks for reminding me…
I was here for the call yesterday. It was really cool. I left a bit before the end as it was 11:15 pm here and was exhausted, but so happy. Listening to Andrew and everybody else interacting, talking about Meditation, Dharma, and Reality and all those concepts I was reading so much about at some point… It keeps it all alive in my mind. It prevents me from totally forgetting and falling asleep.
It’s a little strange. I was reading so many books on Buddhism and Spirituality at some point… I was so much into it. I was passionate… and I still am. I was so fired up listening to those conversations yesterday. As if a part of me was yelling within “That’s it! This is what I want! This is what I love!” But lately, due to current circumstances, I can’t focus on it as much as before.
So I kind of had a realization, and I think it makes sense.
In order for me to dedicate my time and attention fully to these practices, I need to make room in my Life for them. And currently, the room is occupied and my way in hindered by several obstacles, mainly health… but also work and money. So I need to do things in order. I have a plan, and I’m working on it. I won’t stop participating to those calls, nor will I stop to write down my dreams. Maybe even have the occasional lucid dream… But I need to fix certain things before I can fully immerse myself into it all. Otherwise I will never really take off, and I won’t go far. Materially… nor spiritually.
I think sometimes, taking care of the relative is overlooked. But it’s still important. At least, I believe it.
I’m still a human being, even if at core, there’s only Emptiness.
I guess what I want to say is… I’m trying to find balance between the Relative and the Absolute. Which I haven’t always done. I figured, I have to play the dream by its rules to some extent to begin, so that I can then move beyond it. So lately, my energy, readings and interests are more oriented toward “relative” things. For instance, lately I’ve been learning a ton about cryptocurrencies and all the stuff related to it. It takes time and energy, and focusing on lucidity at the same time is difficult. Same with learning a third language, and learning more about diet and health in general… Especially when doing that with a certain level of constant pain, tiredness and discomfort.
As Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoché (in TYODAS) says “Enlightenment is beyond healing and the need for healing”. Yet, he doesn’t reject the relative uses of dreams, or aspects of life either. He just points out at something really important.
So, yeah. I’ve been more interested into the Healing rather than Awakening lately. I’ve been reading (even “studying”) the teachings of Joseph Murphy or Neville Goddard, which really are more about “improvement” rather than “enlightenment” and YET contain really interesting things in relationship to the workings of the mind. I find this stuff fascinating. But it doesn’t have the same purpose as the teachings of, say, Dream Yoga. It’s still and always about the Mind. It doesn’t go as deep as Buddhist philosophy, but on a purely relative level, it is deep and, I believe, important.
Anyway. I’ll stick around. I’m really glad this community is here.
Well. Time to go to sleep ! So, even without aiming at lucidity, there’s always something one can do to perfume the night in a positive way. Loving-Kindness, Gratitude… Basic things, but they really help and make a difference.
2 Likes
Update.
I’ve had really rough days and I’m kinda lost. It seems like the osteopath(s) have been able to improve my neck mobility, but the pain is still unbearable. I don’t want to go to sleep at night anymore. Regardless of how I lay my head on the pillow, the pain becomes unbearable while I sleep, and it all turns into horrible stuff. The worst is falling asleep. It feels like a bad trip and it’s really scary. I’ve never had that before. The medication helps avoiding the bad trip as I fall asleep quickly, but waking up is terrible.
I had moments of hopelessness this weekend, and at some point wanted to die. I wanted to leave my body. It’s weird to say, but the pain “makes me” think, I can’t stand having all this weight - meaning my head - at the end of my neck. But I can’t do that to my parents. I’m torn apart.
The pain comes from the back of my skull, the basis of my skull. It’s driving me mad. Yesterday, I spent my time meditating/visualizing/praying (not as a beggar, but a claimer) on the feeling of what it’d be like to be free. I affirm aloud those things. I tap into the feeling of it. To the point I cry tears of gratitude as if it’d already happened. I don’t know how to do better.
I saw Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche was going to be interviewed by Andrew! He’s like my Dream Yoga superhero/Jedi Master since I’ve read it when I was 13. I thought it was my path, but now I wonder. In Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep, he talks about the relative use of dreams, and I appreciate he acknowledges its importance, without it being the ultimate goal of Dream Yoga:
P.78 “The is no reason not to use dream yoga to attain worldly goals. Some of the practices address relative concerns and lead to the use of dreaming for purposes such as health, divination, guidance, cleansing unhealthy karmic and psychological tendencies, healing, and so on.”
Even if, of course (same page)
“Ultimately we want to use dream to liberate ourselves from all relative conditions, not simply improve them”
An interesting example of it is found P.68, under the part “Divination”
“I asked her for knowledge of my future, a general question about obstacles I would encounter and so on. I asked her to have a dream of clarity for me. (…) In the morning she gave me a long explanation of what was to come in my life (…) It was clear and useful guidance.”
So I was wondering…
Would it be possible for a Dream Yoga master to do something like it to help me, too ? Because, at this point, I’d be ready to try anything to be helped or guided. Because I can’t do it by myself. I don’t care about how much it’d cost. To receiving guidance from someone like this would be worth it. I would trust more a dream yoga / meditation master, whose mind is clear to some extent, rather than some of the therapists I’ve seen, who are completely entangled into interpretations of all kinds…
In a dream, about 2 months ago, I called Andrew to ask him this question. In the dream, he then appeared in front of me, and he said kindly “Just don’t ask Alan [Wallace], or he’ll try to convert you to Buddhism!” Which was actually really funny 
Anyway. I don’t know what to do anymore. Tomorrow I’m going to Paris with my Parents to see a therapist. I booked an appointment 6 months ago, before the accident. She’s an old woman (in her late 70’s) who suffered for 45 years from neck pain, migraine and nausea. What put a sudden end to it all was a kind of Past-Life regression, in which she remembered being hanged. She found the identity of the person in the Archives of the Opera of Paris (something like it), and the details matched with what she “saw” and her current interests and so on… Now, she basically works on that. Past Lives traumas.
I’m ready to do anything. I don’t care what’s the origin, whether it’s purely mechanic, or if it comes from another time. But I can’t stand it anymore. I’ve known chronic disease for 8 years, but the level of pain and distress have never reached a quarter of what I’m going through right now. Being injured in that area (neck/head) hasn’t the same consequences as in, say, injuring one’s foot.
So. If anybody knows something about dream yoga master/therapists, I’m interested.
If not, just thank you for reading my words. Last night when I was in pain, I just thought of writing here, and it gave me a reason to keep going til today. At this point, nothing really matters more than health/sanity. I don’t even care about work or money, in spite of my situation.
I just want to be alive and okay.
3 Likes
What keeps me alive right now, is to practice Loving-Kindness, Tonglen, or Gratitude.
I don’t know if there’s a practice of Gratitude in Buddhism, but it is a wonderful practice.
Opening my heart to somebody else’s happiness and suffering protects me from falling into the “me me me” trap of my own pain. But sometimes it’s so intense, it’s difficult. I’m doing my best.
3 Likes
@TheNewOneironaut Thanks for sharing your situation. I think it is very difficult to practice when in pain, but I think practices of compassion (with others and with oneself) like Tonglen - or chöd, in which one symbolically offers one’s body and gives up all attachments, resistance, as well as one’s pain - are excellent and powerful supporting methods.
Nevertheless, while reading your posts, I remember something Tenzin Wangyal once said to our retreat group some years ago; in essence: it’s possible to heal from the mental and energetic side but if things manifest heavily on the physical side, it is wise to also act on the physical (i.e. go to a medical professional).
As you have written, you tried several doctors. If I’d be in a similar situation, I would focus on the physical and continue to search for a medical professional and not give up on that side.
Spiritual healing is important and can be potent, but I would not give up on working to find a solution on the physical side.
Hang on!
Many readers are feeling with you and I for my side will include you and your pain situation in my prayers and meditation.
All the best wishes!
3 Likes
@KhyungMar You have no idea how heartwarming it was to read this message (and still is!)
I had a really, really tough moment. But I’m back again, and feel stable. It’s really crazy.
In those moments my mind makes me believe there will never be hope again and that all light is gone. As if I’d never be happy again. But I made it through these days.
Really good point here. That’s really what I want to do. Focusing on the physical aspect of the issue is important. As of now, I haven’t really found answers from any “side” (physical/spiritual-energetic, whatever it could be.) but I think both the emotional and physical aspects matter. So I’ll keep on insisting on finding solutions, including on the level of the body.
Thank you so much 
Being read and seen, in and of itself, is more than amazing. And I know there are other people reading this, even if not posting or replying, and I just want to say Thank You to You, too.
@_Barry This was a really interesting article. I’d heard of Norman Fischer before, and already enjoyed what I’d read from him. Once again, this is spot on:
Zen teacher Zoketsu Norman Fischer said that a lack of gratitude means we are not paying attention and taking existence for granted. "We take our life, we take life, we take existence, for granted. We take it as a given, and then we complain that it isn’t working out as we wanted it to. But why should we be here in the first place? Why should we exist at all?
This is fantastic. And I had the occasion to be reminded again… Yesterday, we finally went to Paris to see this “past-life trauma” therapist. I’ll get to that in a few sentences, but what I want to say is that, the Whole Journey in itself was perhaps even more important. My parents drove for 10h in total. The pain in my back/head was at times unbearable. Music helped me a lot. But I was thinking about this article you posted, and I started to remind myself of how lucky I was (and were), just for… simply having a car and the possibility to go there. And how many parents would be ready to do this for their kid ? I know so many people who didn’t or don’t have parents like this…
The whole trip went fine, but that’s when we reached Paris that things became even more interesting.
You see, I live in a tiny village, 15 minutes away from the first small city. Also there’s basically no one my age here (mostly retired people or farmers), so I tend to spend most of my time indoor. Which I don’t like. Hopefully, once or twice a week I’m having a tea with my British neighbor whose really lovely and understands the stuff I’m into (e.g. dream yoga). She’s the best and I’m glad she’s here.
But anyway, the point is: I’m not used to see THAT many people in one place at a time. Even when we go to Limoges (about 130.000 people) to see the osteopath, that’s not the same. So, looking through the window, I saw all these really different people, like one can see in any Big city around the world. Wealthy people living/walking next to extremely poor people. So many homeless people (I’ve always dreamed to do something about homelessness one day). So many lives, so many (human) existences, so many different life experiences. And yet it was striking. You could feel it, or read it on anybody’s face (or simply imagine it): They were, and are, all trying to be happy.
I was imagining all these people, their different lives and issues. Even someone saying thanks because you allowed them to cross the street. Behind this smile, there are issues, fears, pains, hopes and desires. That doesn’t sound extraordinary or particularly deep or spiritual, but there was a sense of beauty in it all. It’s probably just me because I’m living in such a small place - and I used to live in the city - and the difference was now even more striking. Same upon seeing those countless “HLM” (low-income housing, those big buildings you see everywhere)… I was reflecting on how goddamn lucky I was to be born in the family I was born to. I felt so grateful, in spite of all the difficulties and pain I’m dealing with, and thought of all the reasons I had to be grateful. Gratitude is love of what is.
I remember one night on Ayahuasca, I realized, out of all things, of How extraordinary it was to simply have hands. I was looking at them in wonder, and felt an incredible sense of gratitude for it.
I think I should really focus more on being Grateful. It holds a tremendous power that protects one against a sense of hopelessness or depression.
Finally, about the therapist herself… I must say I’m not easily convinced by people pretending to access past-lives memories or whatever. I’d be more interested in doing a past-life regression under hypnosis and feel things for myself. Regardless whether these are real memories or not (I believe they can be. E.G.: Jim B. Tucker’s books), at least that’s something you experience for yourself. While being told I have been killed during WW2 and have taken bullets in my belly… isn’t something I can relate to.
I don’t think the woman was a fraud, I believe she believes what she does. But I wasn’t highly convinced. I try to believe and let go, but if it is all about belief (the power of the mind to heal by the power of blind-belief), then I can do it by myself. I’m already learning about this stuff!
She had an hand-written autograph of the Dalai-Lama and half a million of books of spirituality (before leaving, I spotted “Seth Speaks” which reminded me of Andrew as he mentioned reading it when he was younger, in Dream Yoga’s introduction) and she’s written two books and been practicing for 25 years… but that is not enough to impress me, or for me to blindly believe in everything she says.
Another thing I came to learn, it’s not because someone is advanced a spiritual level that they know everything on a relative level. For instance, when she asked me about my diet, I said I was on a (mostly) carnivore diet because nothing else had ever worked. To which she replied “but you’re going to suffer from vitamin deficiency if you don’t eat vegetables…” and was about to explain me how to eat properly. I told her I’d been reading millions of books on diet for 8 years, and most importantly, I’d been feeling the results in my own belly. When I started to talk about nutrient density and why meat on the sheer level of Health (moral, ethics and so on are another topic) was absolutely fine and contained all vitamins to the exception of Vit C -which some think will lead to Scurvy but doesn’t because carbs… - , just letting her know that I knew my stuff, she quickly stopped. Hopefully. I felt in her, a certain sense of “spiritual superiority” which wasn’t exactly spiritual, in spite of all the spiritual figures and references everywhere in her house. Also, saying that Ayahuasca is a “Dangerous Drug” and that any “plant-induced trance” is not “true” because caused by… chemicals (that’s a good one), is kind of making me wonder if this so-called “person in contact with higher energies” is not a little too sure of him/herself.
The problem with many therapist I see, is that they often try to get out of their framework (e.g.: working on the spiritual/energetic aspect of an issue - which I initially am here for) and start overflowing onto other aspects that is none of their concern. As if you’d come to see a mechanic for your car and he started to give you advice on your relationship!
But anyway ! I’m doing okay, the whole journey was eye/heart-opening in different ways. My mood is excellent and I still DO believe I have the capacity to heal myself OR lead myself to the right place and the right person that will be able to help me. Hope (faith) is key. But it must come from a place of strong Confidence, not doubt.
I also am now really considering, in the prospect of getting better, moving back to Amiens. Paris if I had the financial means… maybe a bit later. Maybe before moving to another country. But we’ll see.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for all the kind words. And thanks for the support.
This community is fantastic.
4 Likes
Hello fellow oneironaught,
I have many things to respond to in your post, but for now being a bit busy, I just will tell you that I read your posts with interest and am sending well wishes for you…especially to be free from the physical pain and the pulls into depression pain. We have several things in common (through life I have had pain of various kinds -cancer, car accident leading to back surgery, childbirth, chronic pain of a lower ongoing drain kind). It presents many complex things to sort out. One level is physical/biochemical and in the realm of the medicinal sciences. Another level in the emotional/psycological realm. Still another in the spiritual realm and we know that these all overlap and affect each other constantly. We need the best tools from all these realms to manage - especially the most difficult intense or chronic challenges.
Your focus on gratitude is so wise! I also find it extremely helpful. Last night I was listening to a live talk by the Dalai Lama and he summed his talk up at the end saying that really the most important thing is open-heartedness - cultivating open-heartedness. You seem to have a strong light in that direction. I will hope for you that you can get help with the physical pain. Some kinds of pain really make other things very hard and must be dealt with in whatever way that can help. There was a time when I just had to have demerol…period. There were times when a surgery was a magic that left me in awe of gratitude for the skills of the surgeons and my access to them. Many times when the tools of meditation and the dharma were great help…all of it.
The gifts of the dharma, teachers and community to explore and cultivate through meditation, study and dream exploration are such treasures! I also treasure this sangha and the wonderful resources that come to us here. I hope you can also find good medical help to lessen the pain and help resolve the source of your physical pain and also to mediate the biochemical brainstorms that stress and physical pain can bring, leading to those dark moments. All of these things together and the support of community I hope for you. Not easy at times, navigating this beautiful life.
PS: I also llive in a tiny village, near to a town of 100,000 and occasionally travel to the big city. Your description of this experience was wonderful. I can totally relate.
4 Likes
Thank you so much @lauragecko for your message. Your words and experience resonate a lot with me.
I think it’s important to always remain lucid, including on a medical level.
This is true. And acknowledging the wonders of any type of medicine is important. As of now, I just cannot sleep without my medications. The pain has been pretty unbearable, and I had tried to lower one of the drug (Amitriptyline) but it resulted into a disaster. I’m still having nightmares from the pain. Always head/back related. So I went back to my regular/original dosage a little over a week ago, and things got better. I had a few wonderful nights of sleep and regular dreams or nightmares, but nothing too weird.
As I reached the end of my medication, I went to the doctor to ask for more. Hopefully he agreed, but I was almost yelled at by the pharmacist (“Why are you taking these? Are you aware they are addictive !?” … ). And I don’t know but I was given a substitute for Lyrica (Pregabalin) and since then, it’s been bad. The pain has worsen, and nights are scary. The surface of my skin is “burning” (it’s hard to describe) worse than before and the pain in my spine and back of my head is sometimes intense.
Sometimes I feel hopeless. I’m a bit confused about what to do, as I am still trying to free myself financially (I’m getting into crypto trading, is that anti-spiritual? I don’t think so. It may be my way out. I find it kind of cool and I believe I can do this.) My dream is to become free financially so that I can then help a ton of people. An infinite number of beings. I’m not interested in making money in and of itself. It’s only a tool. It’s all about the things I could do to help others with it. (But also, Sure, I’d love to buy myself a place that I can call Home on a relative level…). I know I could just pray and meditate, but why not both after all. Working on the spiritual aspect of things, and acting in the matter.
Anyway. I’m also still working a little and given a few lessons a week, but … Part of me doesn’t really care about it lately. I’m doing it mechanically, although always with warmth and kindness. But… All I want is to stop suffering like this. Just feel safe. No longer be afraid of going to bed or waking up in the morning.
I’ve had nights again where I suffocate in my sleep and dreams. In those moments, dreaming, I don’t understand what’s happening to me, I feel like I’m losing my mind, the dreams turn into delirium, and the pain and fear become tremendous. I end up waking up, but I still understand what’s going on. The drugs are still acting too heavily on me, and I’m completely confused, hardly can move a muscle. In those moments I absolutely need to get out of bed. Otherwise the same experience happens over and over again. This never happened to me before the accident.
Open-heartedness, compassion, gratitude… These are a real shield against suffering. When we suffer, especially emotionally, I believe a great part of it comes from the “me, me, me” feeling (I heard the Dalaï Lama putting it that way in answer to a question on Anxiety/Depression in westerners !). A few days ago, I was just scrolling on YouTube, deliberately trying to numb the pain and fear. I found a German documentary on Kids growing up in Syria. That’s not what I was initially looking for, but I ended up watching the whole thing. It makes me realize how small my problems are, and makes me forget about “me”. This kind of thing… it fills me with a sense of injustice and burning desire to do something for the world. A wrathful compassion that gives me Strength. Like those stories in which people suddenly find the resources to lift a car to save a loved one. Or, a story in Joseph Murphy’s book, wherein a disabled father (lost the ability to use his legs for years) suddenly found the power to move and walk to save his kids from the fire. Those stories are not so rare. They do happen and will continue to happen. People don’t find those resources out of “Willpower”. It comes from a deeper place.
By the way on that topic, here’s an interesting video on the topic of Willpower:
I think Desire (whether “egoistical” or Altruistic), if strong enough, can give one the Power to free oneself from one’s given conditions. Having a capital-R Reason. Having a Goal. Having Something to look forward to, in those moments of despair, can be life-saving.
I have moments in the morning and night where the confusion, pain and fear are overwhelming, and just don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to flee, to escape my body, to escape the suffering but I can. And I know, spiritual teachers will say to “just be with what is”, but sometimes, I believe Motivation/Desire can give someone the strength to go on. That’s a key idea in Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning. Those who had a dream or goal, regardless of whether is was something “Unspiritual” (e.g.: starting a business, making money), “romantic” (holding on the idea of one’s significant other) OR altruistic (Viktor Frankl imagined himself giving lectures around the world about survival in concentration camps. One other prisoner asked “God” for him to endure the pain in exchange of his daughter staying alive…)
Anyway… Oh and I saw the Osteopath yesterday. He said that basically, all my muscles have remained blocked around my neck and back. This is creating a constant inflammation. He told me it wasn’t normal the pain wasn’t going away at night. He did his best, knowing I wasn’t living here anymore… We’ll see how it goes during the next few days. Last night and morning weren’t good at all. But in spite of this, because I have goals and desires (e.g.: becoming some kind of wealthy superhero / dream yogi who will take part in saving the world, Funding Shamatha retreat centers all around the world . Yeah. I guess some kind of Tony Stark, but my own way 
) I remain positive.
Also, just a few days ago, @xi1 introduced himself on the forum, opening up about his condition. Just for this reason, I thought I needed to stay alive just in case the information I could share on brain health could - to any extent - be helpful in some ways. Staying alive just because my life can possibly be useful to someone else and possibly makes it even just a little better… this is a good and powerful reason to stay alive. Compassion, Gratitude, Desires… Those are tools that can be use to shine light forth when the path seems dark.
Thank you so much. I have an appointment in a Pain management center at the beginning of January… I hope they’ll be able to help me, but at the very least, just to “see” me…
Having this topic here, somehow, it makes me feel safer. I feel heard and seen. I’m not alone. Even in my tiny village. It may “just” be an online community… but to me this is priceless and wonderful. Feeling warmth coming from different places in the world. It’s amazing.
“The opposite of addiction is connection”. I think Gabor Maté said that. I think it also applies to Depression, anxiety, fear and pain. Feeling safe. Feeling surrounded with warmth, light and kindness. With these things, one can feel the courage to make another step forward. Towards healing and freedom.
4 Likes
I agree wholeheartedly ideas, experiences, connection, and support provided within this community is invaluable!
It goes without saying that we deeply appreciate your contributions and desire to see you continue to heal, prosper, and grow – even without the “success criteria” you may hold yourself to. haha
Please keep us updated, dear one! Looking forward to reading fascinating and compelling posts to come. 
5 Likes
Your message literally made my day ! 
You have no idea. I mean, it’s been a few days already, but the warmth of your words carries on… This community is wonderful.
So yes, indeed we’ll see about the success criteria ! I’m not exactly attached to it in the end… But as long as it gives me strength and a reason to go on, I think that’s pretty good!
Ups and Downs but I keep going onward.
Thank you all so much… 
4 Likes
Yes!
This is exactly how I feel as well.
Thanks to all the wonderful NightClubber Oneironauts for keeping such interesting, sincere and helpful dialogues going in these conversations.
5 Likes
Hi everyone,
Well it’s been a while. And things haven’t been easy. I’m feeling the need to give an update.
So brace yourselves, because a novel is coming. But I can’t help it and I can’t do otherwise.
Again, if you can simply just read me, and even if you don’t reply, know that it means the world to me, and that it gives me strength and courage to keep going.
TL;DR INCLUDED AT THE BOTTOM
Okay here we go.
At the beginning of this year, I was received at Limoges’ Pain Clinic. The doctor - a rheumatologist - listened to my story and seemed understanding. He told me to try to and quit morphine. I was given appointments with a physiotherapist (which turns out to be, as expected here, 10 minutes of tickles followed by 10 minutes of hot bottle water at the back of my neck. But like, it’s reimbursed.), and a psychologist (once every … 2 or 3 months!?) and basically ‘just keep doing what you’re doing’ !
He acknowledged that I was an ‘active patient’, willing to do everything I could to improve my condition on my side. Not waiting for the doctors to do all the work while passively complaining about my situation. He acknowledged the existence of serious neuropathic pain and muscle tension in my neck/back, and no, it doesn’t seem to be neurological. Great. See you in 4 months for botox injections.
In the meanwhile, almost every night was and has been torture. Unable to rest my neck/back/spine comfortably. Dreaming often times of people trying to snap/break my neck or somebody else’s. Or of being at the hospital, in pain and going through all kind of medical exams. The worse being that because of the drugs I’m taking, I’m often knocked and spaced out and upon waking up, I don’t understand where I am, the intensity of the pain is sometimes insane, and I can’t find the strength to move a muscle until several minutes, or I’m falling back asleep into a nightmare. As a consequence it’s been pretty hard to work with dreams, and even just dream recall…
I kept on meditating and praying (‘feeling the wish fulfilled/living in the end’ – again this is what I mean). I can’t stand sitting in a straight, traditional posture (such as ‘zazen’) anymore. It becomes quickly unbearable. I tried on a cushion, on a bench (and I can indeed, feel the Stability I gain from such a posture) but at night, I pay the price for it. Even meditating lying down on my back is painful, but it works fine with a heating pad and being in an armchair, slightly inclined.
I’ve had several suicidal phases. I went to see different doctors, therapists, massagists, told them everything. Been given the same drugs again and again, (they) tried the same approaches. I’ve been trying to educate myself the best I could to try to understand what is going on by myself. I read this really great book called “The Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve” by Stanley Rosenberg which is about Polyvagual Theory and taught me a lot of interesting things and made a lot of sense about what had happened.
Anyway. I’m doing my best. But it’s been torture. Days and nights of hopelessness, crying out of pain and exhaustion, wishing to die because I can never rest and it never stops, and yet wanting to live. I have so much to do, and so much I want to live and give. I’ve been re-reading Man’s Search For Meaning lately, because it always helps me and also in the prospect of making a video to talk about it. Because talking about it helps me remember, too.
I read this part yesterday again, yet this once it really hit me:
“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth—that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.”
I met a girl at the beginning of the year. She’s British but grew up in France so that’s pretty cool (she can understand my terrible puns and jokes) and I really like her. But it’s complicated…
Right now, the situation with this girl is kind of unclear. And I’ve suffered a lot from that. But I’m taking responsibility for my suffering. I’m doing my best. Anyway my point is, in regards of Viktor Frankl, the idea of a relationship (Note that I’m talking about the idea not even an actual relationship) has been the most powerful force to keep me alive. And this, along with Neville Goddard more ‘esoteric’ teachings, has helped me tremendously to overcome those moments of being suicidal.
So sometimes, what I do is that I will simply rest in my armchair, with some music in my ears (Lord of the Rings OST, cannot get any better than that) and simply ‘Rest’ or ‘Live’ “in the End" as he teaches. Just feeling the feelings of having finally arrived on the ‘Other Side of The Wall’. Healed, Free, and Loved. And in love. This I can feel, in spite of what is. Because the mind doesn’t make the difference, I can create this experience in my mind without the external world changing first. In those moments I can transcend the pain and fear and hopelessness, leave everything behind me. No longer having to fight or struggle, because I’m finally there. I’m already out there. And so I’m letting go. I no longer have to try. And I just surrender and trust.
Sometimes, on the other hand, it’s the feeling of anger, rage and injustice that get me out of despair. I have this ‘Emotional Scale’ playlist on Spotify, basically ranging from ‘Freedom’ by Rage Against The Machine (You get the mood) to ‘Beautiful Day’ by U2. Sometimes I need soft music to ease my anxiety, and sometimes getting angry gives me the strength to overcome hopelessness.
Back to the physical, the past few weeks have been more than tough. I came back to the Pain Clinic for Botox injections. It’s been a month and there are no improvements whatsoever. The doctor was mad at me for taking FROM TIME TO TIME 5mg of Morphine because nothing else was working. He prescribed me some opiate-derived medication, that I had already tried, but that makes me completely dizzy (it’s called ‘izalgi’ here). Tramadol, which I tried again yesterday, kind of calms me down, but the side effects are terrible. I felt on the verge of losing my mind while falling asleep last night. The hypnagogic stage is always scary for me, but this felt like some of my Ayahuasca ceremonies.
I can’t even tell you, how many nights I ended up crying in the bathroom, or in my bedroom, my mum next to me, sometimes crying with me, hopeless. Praying for it to stop. Trying to find reasons to stay alive, just one more day or night. Because, even if the pain ends up subsiding at some point (even hours and hours later… but often it doesn’t really. Or I just have a short break.) in those moments, sometimes I just can’t stand it anymore.
Sometimes it feels like my spine has been crushed, twisted, elongated. It’s awful. And it’s practically this way every single night/morning.
Now, if I could work with dreams myself, I would have a lucid dream and ask “show me what’s going on inside my body” or “show me what I need to know” or “Show me what I need to do” (to improve/heal). Show me what I need to learn and understand. Show me what can help me. But it’s been incredibly difficult to sleep. I’m just trying to sleep without too much pain AND to bring with me a feeling to ‘perfume’ the dream as Andrew and Neville both teach in different ways.
One morning, I had a severe anxiety crisis. I’ve had these for on almost daily basis (dire straight financial and professional situation + pain + isolation + this girl = too much for me), but for the past few days I’ve been managing it better. Anyway, this morning, I felt like I was going to die from anxiety, and suddenly I had this ‘Remembrance’ of coming back to my senses. To feel my body fully to escape my mind. As Andrew puts it in Dream Yoga ‘Deception cannot follow you into your body’.
So I thought ‘you know what? Screw it, I’m gonna make a video to help people suffering from anxiety and share everything I know. If I cannot save myself, maybe I can save someone else.’ And so I started to work on the idea of a video. I’ve ALWAYS dreamed of doing this. The idea come to mind when I was 19 and that I started to learn about Medical Cannabis and became aware of all the information that wasn’t unavailable in France/french (hence, the propaganda and misinformation).
I thought that’d be a damn good idea. Because I could finally get out of this isolation. Be seen and heard and maybe even help someone else. And god knows, even be helped. So, after two weeks, changing my plans a bit, I made a first ‘introduction to my channel / welcome to my world’ video. Looking back at it, it’s terrible haha, but at least I made it.
And then I thought about making a video on Lucid Dreaming an Dream Yoga. Even though it’s been really complicated to work on Lucid Dreaming itself, I thought I could at least share my passion and interest in these topics, and maybe make it more widely accessible in French. (Andrew’s books still haven’t been translated…) Try to help people see the potential of the night.
While working on it, I had several severe suicidal and depression phases. Waking up terrified, hopeless, in pain. Sometimes crying for the whole morning. Feeling so alone, just my mum trying to help me. But then I’d feel a bit better and would get back to the video. I worked on it all day long. Maybe it wasn’t going to pay, but it was MEANINGFUL to me. Admittedly, I also wanted to do it for her to see me as I really am deep down. Or someone else is she doesn’t. I still feel like the Genie enclosed in his lamp or more accurately, his own body. It was a crazy amount of work. And I wanted to give up several times and music helped me tremendously. But the Pain didn’t care, it never really stopped. But this work being fun, interesting and meaningful, made it easier.
And even a few days before I published it, and on the day I published it, I had such crisis.
Feeling hopeless, I decided to send an Email to Charlie Morley, whom I hadn’t written to in about 2 years. Because I need help, and I thought of something – which I thought of before -but which I’m considering for real now.
I asked Charlie, ‘Do you think someone could have a Lucid Dream for me on Purpose, and ask for Guidance ?’ and also, that Obviously, I’d be ready to pay such a person.
Shamans do this with Ayahuasca. Or other plant medicines. It’s been done for ages. To ask for guidance, healing or even to find lost and stolen objects! Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoché gives such an example in his book, and Robert Waggoner talks about such practices (done for an other) in Lucid Dreaming, chapter 13 ‘Healing yourself and others’.
Four years ago, when I was dealing with intense anxiety/PTSD from this terrifying Ayahuasca ceremony, I managed to have this lucid dream for myself. Because I could still sleep to some extent, in spite of IBS. But this case now is different. And I think I need outer help. I’m already doing everything I can, and doctors and alternative therapies do not help. I think it would be interesting – without expecting it to be a fix-it-all – to see what can be found in dreams.
Combining this idea with the idea of group prayer/intention like Lynn McTaggart proposes (See ‘The Power of Eight’ and other books), maybe it could be possible for a dreamer or a group of dreamer to set a general intention to Lucid Dream in order to obtain information about something unknown, and see the results. Robert Waggoner proposed such experiences, if I remember correctly, in chapter 14 (on ‘dream telepathy’). So I don’t know how I could organize this, or who would be ready to attempt such an experiment, but I think it could be interesting and worth it in different ways.
Two days after I sent my email, kind of by accident or chance, I stumbled upon a post on Instagram by Charlie Morley saying he was coming back to Limoges in just two weeks for a Lucid Dreaming retreat! I was elated. I had absolutely no idea. I saw this as a kind of synchronicity (at least, a cool coincidence). I sent him a message and he replied! I don’t think he has seen my email yet, but it doesn’t matter. In spite of the pain and poor sleep, I signed up. I know there will be day-time shadow work practices that could maybe help with those nightmares (if they have a psychological origin) and anyway, it’s not just about Lucid Dreaming. It’s about connecting to new people, those conversations you have, ideas exchanged. Again, the lesson is sometimes about the Journey in itself. Not what we think we’re coming for. So, we’ll see. But from June 6 to June 11, I’ll be there.
TL;DR
It’s been a while. It’s been tough. The pain doesn’t stop and sleeping is torture the majority of the time, and I’ve had several suicidal phases due to the pain. I’ve seen countless doctors, therapists, and tried all kind of things by myself. More medical exams have shown nothing. Pain medication is messing me up in several ways. I can hardly work with dreams, so I’m wondering if it would be possible for someone (or a group of people) to have a lucid dream on behalf of someone else (in this case, me) to ask for help or guidance, and maybe find out how deep the rabbit hole goes. If a Lucid Dream or Dream Yoga expert could do this, I’d be ready to pay him/her for this. In the meantime, I’m fighting the best I can. But it’s tough every day/night. Viktor Frankl’s book and ideas and insights are keeping me alive. I’ve been working on a YouTube channel, and this gives me purpose. I’m going to Charlie Morley’s retreat next week in Limoges. I’m doing everything I can by myself, but I would need help. I’m just trying to reach out to different people. At this point, I have nothing to lose anyway.
Thank you for reading.
5 Likes
I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through, your suicidal phases - I just had to read it and thank you for sharing it, for asking for help. My father never talked about suicide - he just did it, because nobody could help him to get rid of his physical pains (but he already was 75 years old, suffering for decades).
I hope the retreat with Charlie Morley will help you. I believe in the Placebo effect of lucid dreaming. It helped me to get pain free. In an online workshop with Robert Waggoner and Ed Kellogg we discussed a lot about healing of others in LDs. Ed told stories about dream characters that wished for healing in his LDs because they knew that he had successfully healed others in LDs.
This Link contains several references to his papers.
I’m sending you healing energy and good luck for your pain relief!
4 Likes
I haven’t read through this entire thread, but enough to get the gist. It sounds like you’ve been through hell. It also appears you have explored a lot of the maze that you’ve been travelling. If you pull back even farther, maybe you can see how all of it is still, to some extent, all in the same box. I was in an existential/personal/spiritual knot, with worsening pain (abdominal) that many medical tests could find no basis for. Ultimately, I believe it was nerve pain. Like you, I explored everything I could conceive of to find my way out. I will tell you what eventually did lead me out of my personal hell. You may dismiss it, but I hope you don’t. It may not resonate for you, as I suspect you may still want a shaman or a drug or a Charley Morley or witch doctor or exotic potion to magically heal you.
But your own mind will have to find it’s way through its own delusions. What worked for me? Animals. I brought animals into my life, never expecting what it would lead to. At first it was casual, even careless, with a huge learning curve. At first I was somewhat indifferent toward them. But, then, to my surprise, I fell in love with them. My cold, isolated heart melted and I fell in love with my animals and all animals and every living creature, aside from humans, that is. (I’m still working on them.)
The point is that as my heart broke wide open and I realized how empty it previously was, I forgot (not really forgot, but in a sense) all my previous self centered problems, health-wise, emotional and otherwise. To an extent, I forgot myself, and forgetting myself is what lead to my healing. My pain began to lessen, and over the course of about 4 years, was gone completely. I came to know self sacrifice, unconditional love and unselfishness more deeply than ever before, or maybe for the first time ever.
I guess my point is that you need an abrupt shift down to your deepest self. Stop the treadmill you are on, it’s just feeding into your confusion and suffering. Go in another direction entirely. Find what will smash your heart wide open and show the stupid brain what it has been missing all your life. You need something that will renew you and make you forget your self obsession. Look at what that obsession has brought and continues to bring you. Go in another direction. Forget you, if just briefly at first. The more you can let go of yourself and all your clinging and obsessions, the more you will heal.
3 Likes
“The reason for it is that I’ve hurt myself badly while exercising (weight lifting, most likely) about 4 months ago now, and things haven’t been easy.”
What was the injury?
“Basically, I’ve always been really interested in Dream Yoga since a kid/teen, but became really sick when I was 17 after an hypnosis session at school (IBS/fibromyalgia/I.C. and mental breakdown included), so I couldn’t actually go on with my studies.”
Will you please go into more details of this event?
I the other thread, but you do not go into much detail there either:
“At age 15 I was torn apart between the idea of becoming a Dentist… and a Tibetan Buddhist monk. I was seeing mundane existence and spiritual life as antithesis of one another. Like you had to choose one at the exclusion of the other. To the point I went through depression only reinforced by personal events. Bullied at school, issues with the family. That kind of stuff. I never really felt good and at ease, as if disconnected from the world around me and its values.”
You never really felt good or “at ease”, another way to phrase not being at ease is DIS-EASE, meaning those negative feelings and anxiety will drip into the clogged bath tub, until the day when things come to a head, and things flood over, and begin destroy ‘the house’.
“It all started with a hypnosis group session at school before exams, followed by another emotional shock a week later. Something must have happened unconsciously. I felt it in real-time. Everything collapsed within a few days: Severe IBS, Depression and Anxiety for the big picture. I was terrified. “
Something may have happened in the hypnosis, I am not discounting that, but I do not think it was the root cause of the issues. It happened right before EXAMS, which is a very stressful period. This is definitely where things came TO A HEAD, and boiled over, but I believe the physical and mental breakdown that followed were YEARS in the making.
“followed by another emotional shock a week later.”
Can you please describe in detail what happened in this emotional shock that followed a week later?
2 Likes
My Heart goes out to you my friend, I am very, very sorry to hear that you have been in so much pain for so long. My initial reaction after reading all your posts, was to write a very long response trying to help. But before I do that, there are a few questions I would like to ask you, to better get a grasp on what paths might help you the most:
The first and most important is
What is your MOON sign?
What’s your sun sign? And where are the planets placed in your birth chart?
I know it sounds really stupid, and for years I thought this stuff was all bullshit, and now I am eating humble pie. The best site to go to get a quick free answers to those questions is here:
this one will give you an actual picture chart:
Don’t give them any personal info like email or name. Just fill in the basic data needed.
Please do a birth chart for yourself, and post a pic of it here. If you could also list the planets, sun, and moon, with their respective degrees in each sign that will help tremendously.
After doing that, please repeat the above steps for:
- Your Mother
- Your Father
- Your sister
Regardless of your thoughts on this ‘occult art’, I am not here to try to convince you of its validity. The only reason I am taking the time to write so much about it is because you have been so OPEN and honest in your discourse, and you have been so OPEN in your search for cures (psychics, past lives therapists, chiropractors, doctors, etc.)
Most people are too hard headed to explore the route of Western Astrology, but I believe it offers a snapshot of a persons Ego and Spirt. And for someone who is fascinated with religion, it’s my understanding that most religions recognize in some part or another, the importance of ‘Ego death’, and how Ego is one of the major obstacles on the Spiritual Path.
Starting after watching Andrews first videos on youtube, and being really impressed by him, I really wanted to know his sun sign, and then watching his videos here on this site for about 2-3 week, that curiosity grew even more. My intuition gave me a strong sense that he was a (Gemini, Leo, or Libra,) or had planets placed in one or all of them. If you had made me bet and put money on it, I would have pulled the trigger and bet Gemini. Then after weeks of curiosity, and bingeing on his videos, he finally said in one of his videos that he IS a Gemini!!! I don’t think that guess was dumb luck.
I believe the best astrologers in the world can guess within the first 10 seconds of meeting someone what their sun sign is. I am by no means one of them, but it is a passion of mine, and I believe it may offer some help in your life (if not now, then years later, it took me 7 years of study to really start to ‘see’).
The other questions I have are about your DIET. I am very impressed that at a young age you were able to figure out the importance of foods we eat, and how much ignorance there is in the medical field regarding foods and health. Its almost like many of these doctors want to keep people sick for life……
Not saying all doctors, but I believe in the 80/20 rule. That 80% of specialists, are misguided, ego driven, ignorant, or (god forbid) malicious. And that 20% are lifelong learners, trying to perfect their craft to help humanity (that number unfortunately may be closer to 1%-5%). In a capitalist society, you don’t make money by curing illness, you make money by treating the symptoms… FOR LIFE.
Can you please provide a detailed Weekly journal of the meals you eat, the foods in each, and what time of day you are eating them?
I agree with you 100% that some people thrive on a mostly carnivore diet, while others thrive on a mostly plant based diet. There is no 1 size solution.
I also agree with you 100% that stress, and chronic pain will cause a great deal of chaos and havoc on the digestive system, which in turn will do a great deal of destruction to you immune system (80% of your immune system resides in your gut):
“How bacteria rule over your body – the microbiome”:
Are you still able to go to the gym and exercise?
What happened when you injured yourself there?
What are you doing for physical activity?
What do you do for stress relief?
Have you tried Yoga?
Not ‘Aesthetic yoga’, where hot girls in tight pants are striking poses of 15 seconds and then flowing into the next aesthetically appealing posture.
I am talking about the Yoga where you hold a pose for 2-5 minutes minimum. Breathing through the tension and discomfort. Most of these poses can be done either sitting or lying on the ground.
If you do these more serious Yoga poses:
Which ones do you do?
How long do you hold them?
And what time of day do you do them?
Yoga saved my Neck and Spine. It changed my life forever. For over 10 years people told me to try it, and I stubbornly refused. Until the day the pain got so bad and it forced me to go to a small Hatha yoga studio. Through months of practice, I saw dramatic improvement. And more importantly it taught me just how linked the pain in the body is to pain in the mind, and vice versa. The brain doesn’t stop in the head, it touches every single cell in the body via neurons, or biochemical feedback, or both. And if you are having chronic anxiety, depression, anger, or any other mental dis-ease, I truly believe those mental state will eventually translate into physical illness.
How is your sleep?
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the weekly quality of your sleep?
Based off your posts, I believe your lack of quality sleep is a huge factor (if not the biggest) in your pain, stress levels, and mental health.
A wise woman once told be the five pillars of Physical well being are:
- Quality exercise
- Quality sleep
- Quality stress relief
- Quality diet
- Quality social relationships
It sounds to me that you are currently only experiencing 1 of those 5. Which would explain why you only feel like you are at 10% of you true potential. If your diet is improved but not 100%, say only 50%, the maths are simple:
((1/2)*1)/ 5 = 10%
I know you mention having a good relationship with your mother, but I do also believe that some or much of her suffering may be rubbing off on you, or affecting your energetic state.
No doubt in my mind your relationship with your father and sister are aggravating the situation.
I am no doctor but a few tests you may want to have done with a medical professional are tests that look for:
- Autoimmune diseases/disorders
- Parasites - (not fun to talk about, but I have heard estimates that 1 in 6 people have them, and it would not shock me if that number is higher). The fact that you are living in a more rural environment will possibly increase your exposure to them or people with them)
- Sleep Disorder- Have you watched any of Andrews videos with the sleep doctor? They are really good, I heard him say there are over 105 sleep disorders and conditions that hurt sleep. When your sleep gets fucked with chronically, your body will soon show signs of illness, and it can seriously aggravate the existing pain and symptoms of other illnesses. You may have had a sleep disorder since high school or middle school that only deteriorated and got worse with time.
I would highly recommend you stay away from drugs like weed, shrooms, or Ayausga, until, your mental state improves, and the pain subsides. I believe these are all miracle drugs, HOWEVER, they are known to amplify the underlying mental state of the user. People who have bad trips, assuming there was no allergic reaction, often have them because they are using the drugs as a means to escape their mental state, and the reverse happens. I have seen people have bad trips on weed, and shrooms, and it scared the hell out of me. These are very serious chemicals, and should only be used with the help of a true professional, if you have serious underlying conditions best to avoid. Meaning these drugs bring the demons to the surface, and in the book Tell Your Children, the author talks about how habitual marijuana use can cause psychosis.
Be very very careful if you choose to continue using them. Sometimes they can make the physical and or mental situation much worse for the long run.
Have you ever tried sleeping in a HAMMOCK?
I started doing hammock camping 5 years ago, and I will never go back to tent camping!!! I get the best sleep of my life when I am sleeping in a hammock outdoors.
Now that the weather is improving outdoors, and the fact that you are in a more rural environment, might make the next 2 months a great opportunity to test out a hammock in the woods, away from people.
NATURE provides me with a great deal of healing and stress relief.
I buy the EQUIP HAMMOCK brand from Walmart for $40 (get the one with a bug net). You’ll also need to get a tarp for the ran, elements.
Sleeping in a hammock takes away a lot of the pressure on my back and neck, which mattresses and pillows really mess with.
I saved the worst piece of advice for last, so please take this with a huge grain of salt:
It is clear from your positing that your body is highly sensitive to ANYTHING you ingest:
Have you considered the possibility that you may be mildly allergic (or worse) to Morphine or Opiate derivative pain killers, or any of the pain medications you are taking?
While they may temporarily provide pain relief the side effects may be causing long term inflammation, anxiety, or other issues that are causing you to suffer and be in pain.
I am not a doctor, so please do not stop taking these meds if they are helping. But you did mention that one of the medications affected your heart rhythms, and I believe an irregular heart beat will cause your nervous system to react, and increase anxiety, discomfort, etc. Making sleep that much more difficult.
There is no easy solution. Wish you so much luck on your journey. Don’t give up or give in. “The night is darkest just before the dawn”
Chronic pain is HELL ON EARTH. I want to tell you that I am very inspired by your courage and strength to not only carry the burden of that pain, but also be open to any and all solutions to the problems. I can not guarantee you that it will get better, but I truly believe that your courage, intelligence, and your strength coupled with your openness to new solutions to the problem, will drastically put the odds in your favor that things will improve with time.
3 Likes