Thank you so much @lauragecko for your message. Your words and experience resonate a lot with me.
I think it’s important to always remain lucid, including on a medical level.
This is true. And acknowledging the wonders of any type of medicine is important. As of now, I just cannot sleep without my medications. The pain has been pretty unbearable, and I had tried to lower one of the drug (Amitriptyline) but it resulted into a disaster. I’m still having nightmares from the pain. Always head/back related. So I went back to my regular/original dosage a little over a week ago, and things got better. I had a few wonderful nights of sleep and regular dreams or nightmares, but nothing too weird.
As I reached the end of my medication, I went to the doctor to ask for more. Hopefully he agreed, but I was almost yelled at by the pharmacist (“Why are you taking these? Are you aware they are addictive !?” … ). And I don’t know but I was given a substitute for Lyrica (Pregabalin) and since then, it’s been bad. The pain has worsen, and nights are scary. The surface of my skin is “burning” (it’s hard to describe) worse than before and the pain in my spine and back of my head is sometimes intense.
Sometimes I feel hopeless. I’m a bit confused about what to do, as I am still trying to free myself financially (I’m getting into crypto trading, is that anti-spiritual? I don’t think so. It may be my way out. I find it kind of cool and I believe I can do this.) My dream is to become free financially so that I can then help a ton of people. An infinite number of beings. I’m not interested in making money in and of itself. It’s only a tool. It’s all about the things I could do to help others with it. (But also, Sure, I’d love to buy myself a place that I can call Home on a relative level…). I know I could just pray and meditate, but why not both after all. Working on the spiritual aspect of things, and acting in the matter.
Anyway. I’m also still working a little and given a few lessons a week, but … Part of me doesn’t really care about it lately. I’m doing it mechanically, although always with warmth and kindness. But… All I want is to stop suffering like this. Just feel safe. No longer be afraid of going to bed or waking up in the morning.
I’ve had nights again where I suffocate in my sleep and dreams. In those moments, dreaming, I don’t understand what’s happening to me, I feel like I’m losing my mind, the dreams turn into delirium, and the pain and fear become tremendous. I end up waking up, but I still understand what’s going on. The drugs are still acting too heavily on me, and I’m completely confused, hardly can move a muscle. In those moments I absolutely need to get out of bed. Otherwise the same experience happens over and over again. This never happened to me before the accident.
Open-heartedness, compassion, gratitude… These are a real shield against suffering. When we suffer, especially emotionally, I believe a great part of it comes from the “me, me, me” feeling (I heard the Dalaï Lama putting it that way in answer to a question on Anxiety/Depression in westerners !). A few days ago, I was just scrolling on YouTube, deliberately trying to numb the pain and fear. I found a German documentary on Kids growing up in Syria. That’s not what I was initially looking for, but I ended up watching the whole thing. It makes me realize how small my problems are, and makes me forget about “me”. This kind of thing… it fills me with a sense of injustice and burning desire to do something for the world. A wrathful compassion that gives me Strength. Like those stories in which people suddenly find the resources to lift a car to save a loved one. Or, a story in Joseph Murphy’s book, wherein a disabled father (lost the ability to use his legs for years) suddenly found the power to move and walk to save his kids from the fire. Those stories are not so rare. They do happen and will continue to happen. People don’t find those resources out of “Willpower”. It comes from a deeper place.
By the way on that topic, here’s an interesting video on the topic of Willpower:
I think Desire (whether “egoistical” or Altruistic), if strong enough, can give one the Power to free oneself from one’s given conditions. Having a capital-R Reason. Having a Goal. Having Something to look forward to, in those moments of despair, can be life-saving.
I have moments in the morning and night where the confusion, pain and fear are overwhelming, and just don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to flee, to escape my body, to escape the suffering but I can. And I know, spiritual teachers will say to “just be with what is”, but sometimes, I believe Motivation/Desire can give someone the strength to go on. That’s a key idea in Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning. Those who had a dream or goal, regardless of whether is was something “Unspiritual” (e.g.: starting a business, making money), “romantic” (holding on the idea of one’s significant other) OR altruistic (Viktor Frankl imagined himself giving lectures around the world about survival in concentration camps. One other prisoner asked “God” for him to endure the pain in exchange of his daughter staying alive…)
Anyway… Oh and I saw the Osteopath yesterday. He said that basically, all my muscles have remained blocked around my neck and back. This is creating a constant inflammation. He told me it wasn’t normal the pain wasn’t going away at night. He did his best, knowing I wasn’t living here anymore… We’ll see how it goes during the next few days. Last night and morning weren’t good at all. But in spite of this, because I have goals and desires (e.g.: becoming some kind of wealthy superhero / dream yogi who will take part in saving the world, Funding Shamatha retreat centers all around the world 
. Yeah. I guess some kind of Tony Stark, but my own way 
) I remain positive.
Also, just a few days ago, @xi1 introduced himself on the forum, opening up about his condition. Just for this reason, I thought I needed to stay alive just in case the information I could share on brain health could - to any extent - be helpful in some ways. Staying alive just because my life can possibly be useful to someone else and possibly makes it even just a little better… this is a good and powerful reason to stay alive. Compassion, Gratitude, Desires… Those are tools that can be use to shine light forth when the path seems dark.
Thank you so much. I have an appointment in a Pain management center at the beginning of January… I hope they’ll be able to help me, but at the very least, just to “see” me…
Having this topic here, somehow, it makes me feel safer. I feel heard and seen. I’m not alone. Even in my tiny village. It may “just” be an online community… but to me this is priceless and wonderful. Feeling warmth coming from different places in the world. It’s amazing.
“The opposite of addiction is connection”. I think Gabor Maté said that. I think it also applies to Depression, anxiety, fear and pain. Feeling safe. Feeling surrounded with warmth, light and kindness. With these things, one can feel the courage to make another step forward. Towards healing and freedom.