Today my absolute favorite thing happened. That is when something happens that would have caused my psyche to completely flip out in the past happens now and the flip out doesn’t occur.
For the past couple of weeks- along with the ongoing cold/sinus thing- my calves and feet have been hurting. I thought it was just from the bug and being kind of worn down- but it has continued to get worse and by the end of the day yesterday my feet hurt so much I could have cried. Magnus and I were laying in bed and I said I thought I had to go to the doctor and he said he would go with me the next day in the afternoon. I said that’s ok- I will just go first thing in the morning by myself and get it done. He has always gone to all doctor appointments with me. Because for almost all of the five years we’ve been together my story about the past incest & abuse & different weird things that have happened to my body has been so thick I’ve almost been blinded by it. But last night I declared that I was ok to go alone. And then this morning I did just that. The doctor put me on a heavy duty course of antibiotics for 14 days because he thinks it’s a chronic sinus infection and took blood to make sure everything else was ok. And all the blood tests came back normal. I went to the pharmacy and then came home and when I saw Magnus I raised my arms the way people do at the end of a long race in victory and I yelled: I WENT TO THE DOCTOR ALL BY MYSELF AND THE WHEELS DIDN’T COME OFF!! As I drove from the clinic to the pharmacy I felt so calm- it was like I was living a completely different life than the one I used to know. And it felt amazing. Where in the past there would have been a giant snaggle of fear and anxiety and upset- there was calm. Holy smokes it was amazing.
And then I came home and ate a bit too much. But I have seen this whole pattern too- the one where I am suddenly able to do something without the craziness coming up inside and then sometime later a much smaller version of the weirdness appears. I’ve seen it a bunch of times and a lot as the binge eating habit shifted and has broken down. I’m certain that as I start to go to medical appointments by myself- I will get more and more used to it and ok.
But today was very fun. I realize now I’d been just imagining that I would need Magnus to go with me to every medical appointment I had for the rest of my life. It’s amazing how much I haven’t been able to imagine what it would be like to just be ok.
I didn’t get up to meditate in the middle of the night last night because it felt like too much with the solo doctor appointment looming. And also because I keep having this idea that if I get up in the middle of the night to sit- that I’ll be tired the next day. Even though a few times this past week I’ve seen that’s actually not true. So I am just really going to pay a lot of attention to my actual experience around this whole issue and see what it really is.
The meditation email that I get each day this morning said this: “The quality of mind that you have when you fall asleep is the quality of mind that you wake up with. If you fall asleep in a wandering, hazy state, you will wake up in a similar state. The defilements make the mind tired.” We have this idea that we’re tired because the body is tired but people who have really studied and examined the mind say that what is actually making us tired is the noise the mind makes. I’ve always wanted to go to sleep to escape all of that but as I continue to learn and pay attention to my own experience- I’m understanding more and more that that is not the way to get free from the mess mind makes.
Ok. Tonight I plan to get up in the middle of the night to sit. I will remind myself that all I have to do is get up and just sit in a chair. Nothing fancy.
I also think I have to start to look at the night and sleep in a whole different way. It’s clear to me as I look at my life and all of the anxiety and struggles and non-peace that I’ve felt- that the majority of the things I’ve tried as ways to not have such a hard time have really not worked at all. The sitting which was once so difficult is not hard in the same way. And it’s not hard to make time for it either- because it’s so obvious about how much it helps every day. So I am just going to keep trying to do this and see what the results are from it- will it move me towards more non-peace or peace? That’s really the only thing that matters.
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR ALONE AND I WAS OK!! I just had to type that one more time in all caps. We are not our struggles. We are not our anxieties. We are not our worried minds. HOORAY!!!
The drawing for today from the Dream Archive book is by Degas. A self portrait he made. It’s amazing how powerful so few marks and even so very light can be.