OMG! “I gotta to take a ‘should’!!!” 
The bug was in MY trajectory?!
Maybe I was in IT’S trajectory!
Maybe I “should have” seen the bug coming if I were paying attention, and got out of the way?
Even if I ended up rolling off the highway into a ditch (done it off a sketchy pass above altitude during a blizzard, wouldn’t be my first rodeo) - then it’s body fluids wouldn’t have been the size of a 
wind-smeared across my windshield from [80mph + it’s opposing speed = impact].
I’m mostly joking, honestly.
Let’s just say I had a “dream recall” and just now journaling about it.
(the dream of non-lucidity)
Death has a way of waking me up. Maybe that’s my obsession with it.
What triggered the shift in ‘perspective’ of MEcentricity this morning was news last night of a good man I met on retreat who is now in pallitive-type care. Admitted to hospital in NM, morphine administered (as compassion).
With no ill intention, he touched something in my heart that was coiled with barbed wire and bombs. Genuine. Caring. (getting ‘clean’ was his ‘wake up call’ and I’m sure it’s a battle for him to accept morphine - as they say in 12-steps for any addiction, “I know the next time I use/drink/eat/prostitute/obsession will be my last” - addiction has THAT much power that one ‘slip’ and break out the slip-n-slide right to one’s grave.)(11 yrs sober Oct. 19 for me) So my heart hurts for him around that, and “perceived loss” of this beautiful person.
He was walking with his wife ahead of me on retreat, and he was holding her arm for support, lovingly and protectively, as they slowly made it the length of flat steps (at altitude).
Seeing his unabashed and obvious love for her was one of the things that got into a ‘chink’ in my armor against life, particularly men.
…and - it takes 2 to tango. I’ve owned the shame of the part I played is the wreckage of my life.
That moment, I witnessed for the first time that there ARE good men in the world.
(I’m a douchebag magnet at retreats - vulnerability is strength, but without boundaries, the predator-types smell it a mile away…)
HA, I even “married Walmart” until I FINALLY learned that “no” is a complete sentence. I bought a $7.99 ‘engagement ring’ for the next/last 2 retreats! 
A crutch - yep! But until I graduated to the level of a 2-yo and learned that magical word “no”, it was the only way I could figure to deter what I wasn’t ready for yet.
There’s another story where he “made me feel” like a freaking QUEEN, absolutely beautiful!!! (and I could engage because I knew the devotion he had for his wife!!!)
So he has been my teacher, father, friend, whatever. Got into my heart.
This morning, the first email I received was that he’s going home today most likely. Then my friend FW’d a short email update from his wife. I was covered with goosebumps.
It simply said:
“Practice. Love. Light.
We are moving through this episode. So many others won’t. Let’s practice for them.”
Wow, who feels like a douche now?! ME.
But I realized no matter WHAT words I say, here in duality-land-mind, they always show yet another subtle layer of MEcentricity at play.
I need to stop opening my mouth is the “should”. Just digging my own holes to trip over.
The problem with words.
“Word Problems”
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Today's insight brought to you by the letter B.
Hindsight - maybe all those unbelievably random obstacles were “auspicious coincidences” after all? The bitter irony of it…
is “auspicious coincidence.”
)
d that thought.