Can you set aside ego and honestly reveal the worst actions of your life? I'll start

This probably ranks as number two or three.

I think spiritually the worst thing I’ve ever done is when I put a shotgun under my chin when I was 6 or 7 not knowing there was no ammunition in it, I decided in that moment I’d never consider suicide again because I had a flash of my mom enter my mind (and I have aphantasia - this kind of thing isnt normal for me).

Ironically this coincidenced with the mother ship sized UFO encounter known as the phoenix lights. It began in Phoenix and moved to Tucson, where I was living at the time. I remember reading comments of people who were there and they said the air was vibrating. Crazy stuff :alien::v:.

Physically the worst thing I’ve ever done is when Brian - my step-father’s son stacked some pieces of tinder and wood at the base of a tree then he made me light it on fire. Ironically when his father died from a heroin overdose I had a vivid dream of the devil.

Thought of this topic after listening to a world was 1 veteran describing what I’d imagine to be the worst action of his life.

1 Like

I could get really deep and ask for your definition of “worst”.

Does “daftest” translate from english english to american english?

The daftest thing I have done is to ignore the advice of a Western Samoa guide and wondered off… to end up looking down into a large blowhole and then suddenly being washed into it by a wave that had crashed over the cliff.

To my current realisation (some may say miracle) I latched onto a small rock and eventually climbed out… but I am not sure if thats feasible.

In the context of this forum I would like to say that this was not a dream (as we know it) by the way.

1 Like

I used to live in Tucson in the early '70s. There was often talk of UFOs but I never saw any, just lots of weird people, including my best friend.


Open for interpretation. My version is what I considered the worst thing I’ve done physically to the world, the hospital trip is the worst thing I’ve done to people and the serious consideration of suicide as a child was the worst thing I believe I have done spiritually.

Your experience sounds like it may have been the closest to death you’ve been. I could see that as the worst thing spiritually, ignoring the wisdom of the guide you mentioned could have lead to an early death ending your spiritual journey too early. Possible reason for the divine intervention.


Land of heat, dirt, scorpions and rattlesnakes. That and monsoons.

Nice sunsets though.


Cactus, Gates Pass, nice mountains, better climate than Phoenix, Colossal Cave, UA, Balloons and yes, world-class sunsets.


Couldn’t possibly be worse than this…?

1 Like

Sounds as though you had a tough upbringing Matthew.


Was anyone or anything damaged by the fire?


It’s funny, I hadn’t realized that I had been anticipating the worst possible outcome for this event for quite some time. Your question brought to light my lack of a concrete answer. Looking for clarity, I searched local newspapers for any mention of forest fires but found no such references. It was only when I asked my mom that I got the answer – she said Brian, my stepbrother, once started a fire that was quickly extinguished. This must be the incident he had me light the tinder piles he made. Fortunately, it turns he wasn’t skilled at building fires, it resulted in minimal damage.

Over the years, I’ve consulted lots of psychiatrists and therapists to understand my challenging upbringing. However, their approaches, often grounded in Freudian methods, became predictably unhelpful in addressing my deep-seated emotional issues. One of my psychiatrists even had a tragic end, as detailed here:

Updated article, the other one had a paywall:

My childhood was marked by a series of traumatic events. I grew up in a neighborhood influenced by Nazi ideology, where I was frequently targeted and beaten by the local leader, possibly due to my refusal to attack other children based on their race. He later passed away when he was having a drug overdose and his friends pulled him out onto the street and left him to die.

Furthermore, our family faced abandonment when my father moved to Arizona, leaving us behind when I was just two years old. He then refused to pay child support which led to multiple arrests for non-payment. My mother’s hardships were compounded by the emotional and physical abuse she suffered at the hands of a heroin addict in which I had a front row seat to watch. Personal trauma escalated when Mr. Anderson, my next-door neighbor, would lure me to his basement with promises of playing Zelda on Nintendo. Once in the basement he would then proceed to rape me. Ironically, he is now wheelchair-bound.

Then when I was eight, my mother lost her home due to its unfortunate location on sacred Native American swamp lands. Situated below the flood plain, one harsh winter, the local township piled a a massive mountain of snow, over three stories high, close to our house. This accumulation of snow, upon melting, led to severe flooding, resulting in the condemnation of our home after the foundation shifted and because my mother was already struggling to provide for us she was placed in a difficult position, now homeless she had to find places for her children to live while she started fresh. This was the time I was sent to live with my Father, isolated and living with a stranger in Arizona my life chugged on.

There are more details I usually reserve for psychiatrists and therapists in which they taught me a harsh truth: “most children endure difficult upbringings.” In response, I’ve learned to become resilient, embracing silence and inner strength to navigate my life.


1 Like

Did you let the police know or press charges against him?

The monsters that prey on children derseve a special place in Hell.

Are you seeing a therapist now? On any medication?

True. And the horrors that happen in third world countries to children would petrify an emergency room doctor. But I dont think either truth provides much comfort to trauma victims.

I remember reading an article about a soldier who was court marshelled because he tired to protect a child from an Afganistan ally soldier. Pretty sick to know our government and military turned a blind eye to monstrous acts against children, just to keep the peace with our ‘Allies’ in the region.

You wont hear about it on most (state run media) news channels, but the open border policy down south over the past 3 years meant more children and young women for the cartels to sex traffic. One police officer told me, the cartels can sell a drug only once, but they can sell a child hundreds (thousands?) of times. Really sick and really fucked up. It makes you wonder just how dark, demonic, and deraved the world would be without religions and spirituality.


The silver lining of getting a taste of the darkness and overcoming it (2min mark):


Or simply, they deserve to be forgotten.

After seeing him wheelchair bound I left it at that. The phrase what goes around comes back around seems fitting for that situation.

Not recently.

For the 2nd bit:

Over the years, I’ve been diagnosed with a range of mental health conditions. Each psychiatrist I’ve visited has added new diagnoses, resulting in a variety of medications. I still take the ones that seem to help. The most challenging condition to manage has always been bipolar type 1. Thankfully, my wife and mother provide me with honest feedback, which helps a lot in managing it.

1 Like

Your choice, I am not trying to should on you. Because what he did was such a heinous act, letting the police know and the community know, In my mind would be really good Karma. You would be protecting other vulnerable children in the community from future harm. If he is not listed on the National Sex Offender Registry, what is stopping memebers of the community from leaving their children with him to babysit? John Douglas will tell you whether his cock works or not after being wheelchair bound is irrevalent, that type of preditor will still hunt because the sickness is still in the mind (he argues against chemical castration becuase of this). Getting him placed on that list will not only protect the herd from him, but will also make any other perverts in the community think twice before harming the innocent.


Discussions like this remind me of Haw Paw Villa, a ride in the Tiger Balm Park in Singapore, which seems to still be around since I last visited it before the turn of the century. Check out where a particular crime will land the perp . . .

From the article:


Not a doctor, but a google search cooked up this pasta:

Surprising New Treatments That Ease Bipolar Depression

Bipolar depression: a review of treatment options - PMC.

This one seems to be the most recent FDA approved drug treatment:


My perspective on life might come across as unsympathetic or unconventional, especially when discussing sensitive issues involving vulnerable children. My views are shaped by a deep belief in the natural order, a concept reinforced by my personal experiences and observations over the years. This order often reveals itself in hindsight, as seen in my encounters with the psychiatrist or in the case of the evil person now confined to a wheelchair. Beyond these examples, there have been numerous other experiences, some even more extreme and more immediate, that have further cemented this philosophy in my life.

I recognize that my interpretation of wrathful deities in Buddhism is not traditional. Yet, from my experiences, I have encountered entities that resemble wrathful protectors appearing in the physical realm. Witnessing these guardians in diverse situations has instilled in me a peaceful assurance, concreting my trust in the universe’s deep wisdom. Further, I believe that if I were to interfere in this process, it would demonstrate a lack of faith in the universe’s natural order.
However, this isn’t to imply that I take a nihilistic approach or overlook the world around me. With all this in mind, I must say that in observing life’s phenomena, I gravitate more towards God’s way of resolving situations with love. Nevertheless, I recognize the importance of wrathful deities within the grand scheme of things.

All things considered, there is insight to be gained from simply witnessing the unfolding of life’s natural order. My experiences have taught me that non-interference is crucial in many situations because they are usually more complex than they initially appear to be on the surface.

Regarding medical treatment, my last hospitalization involved extensive experimentation with various medications for bipolar type 1, all under the careful supervision of psychiatrists and therapists. We had in-depth daily discussions about how each medication affected me. Interestingly, the last medication you mentioned, Injectable Risperidone, caused a severe reaction for me. Ultimately, the medication regimen finalized with my psychiatrists seems to be the right one for me as echoed by those closest to me in day to day life.

1 Like

I respect that, again its your life and karma, and not my job to interfere. I will however highlight that this logic does not seem to fully follow in regards to your behavior at the retreat:

I remember you writing that this summer on your nature hike, you were bothered by the large amounts of trash left behind by people, and went out of your way to pick it up, and dispose of it properly.

I think that was the right thing to do, and it is good Karma. You cleaned the enviorment which prevented animals from getting harmed by the garbage, and protected future visitors from that visual pollution.

I my mind that preditor is a serious hazardous contaminant to the enviornment. I dont think it is your job to clean up, but I think you would be doing yourself and the community at large a big disservice by not letting the proper authorities know there could be something lurking in the water making people sick.

The fact that you wrote about it above, may mean it is still a memory harming you, even if it is only on an unconscious or subconscious level. Not a garnuntee that it will help with healing, but an email to the local authorities letting them know what happended and asking what steps can be taken to prevent this from happing to other children in the future, may have some really positive ramifications.

There may have been another or other children that put complaints against this guy, and he may have weaseled his way out. Your info might help be the final ‘nail in the coffin’. This man took advantage of a single mother and her child who were both struggling to survive. I believe it wasnt a 1 time offense, and there is a strong probability he will continue to do such monstrous acts until the day he dies.

I dont think it is wise to leave a fire burning on the kitchen stove while you and the rest of the family goes to sleep. Theres a tiger that has a taste for the blood of children still living in the community. Its not your job to de-fang and de-claw that tiger, but I do think it would be bad karma not to alert ‘Animal Control’ or the proper authorities.

In my mind, the more trash we help clean up and dispose of, the better we are leaving this world for the next generation.

1 Like

All makes sense, I usually don’t disagree with people if they feel firm in their beliefs. :+1:

My stance on things may seem unsympathetic, or be a practice of bad karma as you’d imply.

“Want to change the world? Start with yourself and you will be too busy to bother your neighbor.” From either a book by jack Kornfield or a fortune cookie.

I remember as a kid, if we littered while playing on the sidewalk, adults would make us pick up the trash and put it in the nearest trashcan. That was a great lesson!